All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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