so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
