And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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