I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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