If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
