shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well I just put wine in my tea
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
