The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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