my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
