you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
