I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
you're hired as official boob wrangler
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
