it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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