An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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