i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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