I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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