Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
