mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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