I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
What a dumb baby whore.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
