a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
