I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
