Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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