ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
