Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
