woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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