I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize