We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
