oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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