we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize