Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize