I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
