My underwear smells like fireworks.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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