Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
