We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
