farters have to be the big spoon...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
