I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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