I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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