It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
