He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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