i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
