whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
