All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
