Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
