You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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