If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize