what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Boobs are out for the taking
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize