Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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