Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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