If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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