It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
