hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
