My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
