I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
