Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
