Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
