Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
