Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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