Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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