I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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