A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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