Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
