I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
