A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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